Neither of Us are Wrong

A Lesson In Perspective-Taking from a 6-year-old

One morning, I was standing in a stationary spot in my kitchen making my lunch. My (then) 6 yo was playing hockey through the kitchen (as one does at 6:15am) and repeatedly hit my feet with the hockey puck. He finally said “Mom, why do you keep stopping the puck?!” and I replied, “Do you mean, why do you keep hitting it directly at the exact spot I happen to be standing?!” He tilted his head to the side and said, “well… neither of us are wrong.”

What he said is true. It’s just a matter of perspective. But if neither of us are wrong, are we both right?

We are confronted with this daily. We often get stuck on our own perspective with a steadfast belief that we are right. This is often tied to a fallacious assumption that if we are right, the other person is therefore wrong. But the other person often has this same attitude – about their own perspective being right and ours being therefore wrong! The reality is that both perspectives are “right” because they belong to the person viewing them. But it’s an interpretation based on a limited perspective. It’s not ultimate truth. And ultimate truth doesn’t really matter because both people are emotionally connected and attached to their unique perspective. This is where we can get stuck and our brains desire to be right can prevent us from moving forward. 

So what can we do to get unstuck?

First, recognize that our perspective is just that – ours. Which means no one else shares it exactly nor processes any moment through the same lens of prior experiences. Which means we have to be really careful about assuming other people might know how we feel or interpret situations.

Second, do our best to articulate our unique perspective without accusations or exaggeration. This might mean reining in our emotions and identifying the key things we want to communicate. Give our counterpart the best possible chance to understand our experience. And front trust that they really care to know how we feel and understand our perspective. 

Third, invite the other person to articulate their perspective – and do our best to listen without trying to apply our perspective to theirs. This requires that we suspend what we think we know about a situation and make space for ideas, details, and observations that we didn’t experience. More often than not, internalizing another person’s perspective can soften our attachment to our own. 

Fourth, revisit our perspective after hearing theirs – has it shifted with any new information? How might we now be able to empathize with their experience? What space can we make for both perspectives? 

At the very least, before we get too stuck on our perspective being “right”, we can remember the wise declaration of my 6yo: neither of us are wrong. Starting there might help us see that we are indeed not being hit by what’s coming at us, we may be merely in the way and stopping the forward momentum of what’s happening around us.

“No More Sugar!!”

If you’re anything like me as a parent, there are certain times and circumstances when our healthy eating habits go to the wayside. While a treat here and there can be enjoyable and balanced with other food choices, there may be other times where there is an increase in access to sugar and treats. This may be vacations, holidays, hosting guests, stress, and so on. And it is never more apparent that this takes a toll on us than when our children’s behavior starts to unravel. My ten-year-old becomes more sensitive and less flexible. My four-year-old is more emotionally reactive, pushes boundaries, and has more fluctuations in his sleep routines. In moments of behavior challenges or emotional outbursts, it can seem sugar is the cause, and it can be really tempting to say, “that’s it, no more sugar!” or to use it as a bribe or bargaining token “if you can’t behave in acceptable ways, no treat later!” Trust me, I’ve been there. And while there is plenty of evidence that has shown sugar does not cause hyperactivity, there are certainly many good reasons to consider what’s happening in these situations for both you and your child. And how you can proceed to help both of you feel calmer and more successful. 

Before the words banishing sugar slip out of your mouth, here are a few questions to consider: 

  • What has my child understood about limits on sugar prior to this situation? 
  • Are my expectations for my child’s behavior in this setting reasonable? 
  • Am I expecting my child to regulate their behavior even though I’m having difficulty regulating my own? 
  • How much is my child expected to accommodate, wait, compromise in this situation? 
  • Are there many opportunities for my child to regulate their behavior in this setting through physical activity, calming spaces, or sensori-motor experiences? 
  • Is vacation or a special gathering the right time to impose a new expectation? 
  • Am I willing to commit to managing sugar intake at this moment? Do I have the time and energy to follow through? Will it take away my ability or my child’s ability to enjoy the experience?
  • Who else am I expecting to stick to my expectation that my child does not have sugar in this situation? Are they able and willing to do that? 
  • Am I willing to model and change my own behavior? 
  • Is this an isolated concern or a long-term pattern that needs adjustment? 

If any of the questions above resonated with you, here are some tips that might help: 

  • Reflect on your frustrations and contributing factors with yourself first. Consider both what may be causing your child’s behavior and what may be contributing to how you’re reacting to it. This may include how many activities are scheduled, frequency of physical activity, amount of time waiting, availability of healthy food/water/rest, and so on. Identifying factors that you can control and change in the future to help you and your child feel more successful. 
  • Connect with your parenting partner and other adults in your child’s life. Exchange your observations about your child’s behavior and contributing factors in situations like this. Consider whether or not you have the same values around expectations and limits for children. 
  • Make a plan together and be sure you agree on it. Choose the changeable factors you are willing to adjust. Consider the right time to communicate and start the changes. Consistent support from adults is the best way to support children in behavior change. When adults have different expectations or don’t follow-through, it’s harder for children to adapt to the expectations. 
  • Talk with your children about their behavior. While it may not be the only factor, talk about how sugar and the excitement of special events can be overwhelming. Describe what you notice about their behavior in objective and non-judgemental ways. Describe the impact on others or why it might feel challenging or unsafe. 
  • Center the guidance for your child on love and support. Explain to your child that you’re going to try some new ideas as a family to help your bodies and manage big feelings. This might include more time outside, more activity, or adjustments in food choices to support our bodies. Avoid “no”, “never”, “always”, or other practices that can be hard for everyone to maintain. 
  • Choose a time to follow up. Choose a time as a family to reflect on how the changes are making your bodies feel. Discuss elements like energy, responding to stress, and regulating emotional responses. Consider if any adjustments need to be made to the plan. 

Above all, give your children and yourself grace! We are complex creatures, physically and emotionally. All the ways that we reflect, grow, and adapt our behaviors together over time is a form of love and taking care of ourselves and others. You don’t need get it right in every moment or all of the time, but you owe it to yourself and your children to reflect and be in the process of growth and learning together. 

For more resources on nutrition and healthy eating for children: 

Healthy Kids, Healthy Future: https://healthykidshealthyfuture.org/5-healthy-goals/nurture-healthy-eaters/resources/ 

Kids Health: https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/habits.html

Healthy Children: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/nutrition/Pages/default.aspx 

For more resources on behavioral regulation: 

Hanen Centre: https://www.hanen.org/helpful-info/articles/what-is-behaviour-regulation–and-what-does-it-hav.aspx

Child Mind Institute: https://childmind.org/article/can-help-kids-self-regulation/ 

American Psychological Association: https://www.apa.org/topics/parenting/emotion-regulation 

Zero to Three: https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/help-your-child-develop-self-control/ 

Self-Regulation Children’s Book List from The Highly Sensitive Child: https://www.thehighlysensitivechild.com/self-regulation-childrens-picture-books/ 

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!

When our oldest child was 6 years old, it seemed way too young to talk about sex, right? Right?! We had just had a baby four months ago so he understood a little bit and we’ve never shied away from terms like vagina, vulva, penis, and so on. We’ve been really open about bodies, but sex is an entirely different ball game, that’s about sensations and relationships. But it really got me thinking… When is it too soon to talk about sex? When is it too late? And how do you know?! Spoiler alert, there’s no magic answer! But it’s about knowing your child and know your values so we’re about to explore both!

Determine your values around sex.

What is it that you truly want to instill in your child when it comes to sex? My parents preached abstinence. A completely valid emphasis and pretty standard in my Catholic community. But, like many other teens in the history of time, I did not take my parents’ words on faith, I challenged them and pushed boundaries, certain I knew enough to make my own decisions. I wish my parents had talked to me more about respecting my body and setting high standards for myself when it came to relationships. 

With my husband and children, we value consent first. And we’ve modeled this in non-sexual ways from the time our children were little. Sometimes my son doesn’t want a hug. I want to hug him so badly because I love him so much and I had a really long day at work and we always hug when I get home… still his body, still his choice. And I respect it every time. I could go on and on about the necessity of consent and maybe I will in my next post. But you get the point, in our family we think sex is a healthy normal part of being human, but first and foremost it must be something all parties agree to, every time. 

Watch for cues that your child might be curious

Children are naturally curious about everything! Paying attention to what they are asking but not reading into it is really important. When a child asks where a baby comes from, they are not necessarily asking you to explain relationship intimacy. When my son was five, he came to me and said, “Mom, can I talk to you? When my penis is hard, should I push it up or down when I pull up my underwear?” My first thought: I don’t have a penis, I have no idea! But what a great opportunity for me to recognize that my son trusts me enough to come to me and talk about his body and for me to make a mental note that he’s noticing his body changing. 

Pay attention to what your child and their friends are watching

Wow technology is different now than it was when we were kids! When my son was 7 years old, we were at my son’s cousins’ house and after they were in the play room for a while, one of the kids casually mentioned that they were watching YouTube. My jaw hit the floor. My sister-in-law assured me that they have parental controls on but it was a big wake up call for me that we need to check with every parent about the independent, private access children have to technology and what kinds of controls are in place. The big issue here is that you can’t undo what children see. Whether it is sex or violence or something graphic, we can’t undo the visual, it remains locked in their memories. It’s also important to avoid assuming that rules you have for your child might not be the same as the rules other people have for their own children (and vice versa). 

Ask questions but avoid leading

This is tricky. We often ask questions from our adult perspective and offer more information than we need to. Following this incident with my son’s cousins I asked him if he understood that there are some things that are appropriate for adults and not for children. He said he did so I asked for examples and he said things that are dangerous or scary. This seemed like a good place to start but what I really wanted to know was if he understood that he can’t watch porn but I wasn’t sure if I should bring up the topic of sex. Would I be introducing something he’s not yet aware of and instead of helping him understand his limits, peak his curiosity? I decided this was a good start to sorting adult vs. child content. But at some point, we’re going to have to figure out when and how to bring up sex as adult content. 

Avoid shaming your child’s ideas and body

Nothing makes someone shut down faster than shame! Bodies are interesting and weird! And if we can establish some comfort level in talking about them, we are more likely to support children in having respectful intimate relationships and they are more likely to come to us with questions. Avoid shaming or embarrassing children for their questions, changes in their bodies, preferences about how they maintain their bodies, and avoid stereotypes about ideal bodies. 

Accept that your child is going to make mistakes 

Guess what, your child is human, just like you! And part of that is making mistakes. Mistakes can be great learning opportunities or mistakes can drastically alter the course of one’s life. Helping your child recognize and anticipate consequences can be really helpful. And controlling your disappointment in your child will be essential to maintaining a trusting relationship with them. 

Get on the same page as the other people in your parenting team

It is absolutely essential for you and the people you parent with to have an understanding of how you are going to approach this topic. It would be ideal for everyone to share the same approach but even if you don’t know where the other person stands eliminates confusion and mixed messages for your child.

Pick the right time

Any tough topic is easier to discuss out of the moment of anger, embarrassment, frustration, etc. It is always easier to discuss something casually and hypothetically when it is not actually happening.

Additionally, it’s hard to find that balance between giving too much information too soon or offering it when it is too late. It is likely that age 6 1/2 is early to start talking about sex but I was in second grade when I started acting out sex with my Barbies. I also thought it was possible to get pregnant from kissing. Accurate information and feeling comfortable talking about bodies and sex  would’ve been really useful for me at that time. 

Be a safe, trusted resource for your child

When my son and I had the discussion about adult vs. child content, instead of bringing up sex, I asked him what he would do if he saw something that was for adults because the reality is, we aren’t always going to be there looking over his shoulder. He said he could talk to an adult or walk away. Which is a great answer and I hope he’ll choose one of those options. I reminded him that when he lets us know about something that was confusing or scary or strange, it helps us figure out how to help him understand. 

Offer other resources

While it’s great for you to be a safe, reliable place for your children to navigate new and personal topics, it can also be helpful for you to provide other resources that they can navigate independently, especially if there’s something they seem embarrassed to talk to you about. These resources can range from another trusted friend or family, a counselor, books, or trusted websites. Helping your child find safe, accurate information can help minimize misconceptions or learning through experimentation. 

Do your best. 

All parents make mistakes, ALL of us. If things don’t go the way you want them to, you will likely have another chance! Reflect, discuss with your people, and try a different approach next time. Every parent-child relationship is unique, there’s no absolute right way to raise your child.

It’s hard to imagine talking about sex with my baby. But not talking about it isn’t going to prevent him from growing up. Finding the right way and time for us as a family to approach this issue will ensure the most likely path to him having healthy relationships with us and his future intimate partners. 

My recommendations for resources for talking to kids about sex, bodies, and consent: 

My recommendations for children’s books about sex, bodies, and consent: 

  • “Yes! No!: A First Conversation About Consent” By Megan Madison and Jessica Ralli
  • “Every Body: A First Conversation About Bodies” By Megan Madison and Jessica Ralli
  • “I Can Say No: Help Kids Protect Boundaries and Build Confidence” by Jenny Simmons 
  • “We Ask Permission” By Lydia Bowers And Isabel Muñoz
  • “We Listen to Our Bodies” by Lydia Bowers 
  • “It’s Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends” by Robie H. Harris

Leadership and Personality Assessment Tools

I recently facilitated a workshop on leadership development for early childhood administrators. A significant factor in successful leadership is self-awareness, reflection, and humility. In this workshop, I introduce a number of personality and leadership assessment tools that can support that process of understanding our dominant traits, how we activate them in our leadership positions, and where we may need to focus energy to avoid getting in our own way. Below are a few of my favorites and common feedback about each one. (Listed alphabetically). 

16 Personalities

Link: https://www.16personalities.com 

What people liked: 

  • Free and easy to access
  • Provides a lot of information in various personal and professional contexts
  • Easy to share results and view other personality types
  • Option to have results sent to your email but not required

What people didn’t like: 

  • No paper and pencil version
  • Questions reflect general personality and overlook situational differences 

DISC (Dominance, Influence, Compliance/Conscientiousness, Steadiness) 

Link: https://www.123test.com/disc-personality-test/ 

What people liked: 

  • Free through 123.test.com 
  • Provides percentage results in each area
  • Many resources online to understand results 
  • Represents everyone having some skill in each area 
  • Easy to complete 

What people didn’t like: 

  • Full profile/report requires purchase 
  • Requires choosing just 1 like you and 1 not like you, no more or less 

Enneagram

Link: https://www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test 

What people liked: 

  • Comprehensive descriptions for each area
  • Valuable follow-up emails
  • Results in a pie chart showing prominent areas
  • Free to take through truity.com

What people didn’t like: 

  • No paper and pencil version

HEXACO (Honesty/Humility, Emotionality, Extroversion, Agreeableness, Conscientiousness, Openness) 

Link: https://www.idrlabs.com/hexaco/test.php 

What people liked: 

  • Easy complete
  • Provides percentage results in each area
  • Provides descriptions of high and low scores in each area
  • Free to take through idrlabs.com 
  • Available in two languages: (English and Spanish) 

What people didn’t like: 

  • It’s a lot of questions to answer

High5

Link: https://high5test.com/


What people liked: 

  • 20 outcomes, organized into 5 groups
  • Volume of questions produces more refined results 

What people didn’t like: 

  • Time consuming to take – 120 questions
  • Requires creating a (free) account to take the test 

MindTools Leadership Assessment

Link:https://www.mindtools.com/apdfhaw/how-good-are-your-leadership-skills 

What people liked: 

  • Provides descriptions by percentage ranges
  • Connects users to additional related resources 
  • Only 18 questions to complete
  • Easy to complete 
  • Free to complete 

What people didn’t like: 

  • Somewhat oversimplifying
  • No paper and pencil version 

Saboteurs 

Link: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/ 

What people liked: 

  • Provides a different perspective than other personality tests
  • Easy to access and participate
  • Valuable follow-up emails
  • Provides a lot of descriptive content
  • Develops self-awareness 
  • Free to take

What people didn’t like: 

  • Because it is addresses what gets in our way, it can be overwhelming and sensitive to process 
  • No paper and pencil version

StrengthsFinder (Clifton Strengths) 

Link: https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/252137/home.aspx 

What people liked: 

  • Results are comprehensive
  • Descriptors are the same but the combination produces different summaries 
  • Provides a range of context for each descriptor 

What people didn’t like: 

  • Costs money to take the test (and/or buy the book) 
  • The results are rich but require a lot of reading to process 

True Colors

Link: https://my-personality-test.com/true-colours 

What people liked: 

  • Online and paper/pencil versions
  • Easy to complete
  • Lots of resources online to process the results 
  • 4 easy results to remember
  • Free to take through my-personality-test.com 

What people didn’t like: 

  • Oversimplifies people into 4 categories

VIA (Values in Action) 

Link: https://www.viacharacter.org/account/register

What people liked: 

  • Comprehensive feedback
  • Same descriptors for everyone but ordered differently
  • Identifies qualities applicable to personal and professional identity

What people didn’t like: 

  • Too many questions
  • No paper and pencil version
  • Requires setting up an account (free) 

I’ve used these tools for a number of years and enjoy taking them every so often to see how my skill sets have changed and are situationally influenced. Additionally, it’s a lot of fun to take these with a partner or team to compare results and identify overlapping and differing qualities. 

Which Personality and Leadership Assessment Tools are your favorites? 

Act As If You Can

When I initially started my career as an early childhood educator, I had the honor and privilege of hearing an incredible speaker, Chick Moorman. He said something that completely changed how I parent, how I teach children, and how I view myself. Childhood is a unique time of fluctuating independence and dependence, autonomy and reliance, which becomes a delicate balance of helping children develop both their skills and their confidence. In our best efforts, when a child is struggling, we often encourage them to just “try”. The downside is that “trying” includes the possibility of failure. Enter Chick Moorman. He said instead of telling children to try, we should tell them to “act as if you can”. It simply means to persevere, keep working at it until you get it. It falls in line with the “fake it till you make it” approach except children aren’t faking anything, development is simply just in progress. It shifts the mindset from the potential to fail to the likelihood of success or existing ability to be successful.

I often hear adults of my parents’ generation often say that children these days give up too easily. And that may be so. When did we lose our ability to push through and overcome difficulty? When did failure become a moment of despair and giving up rather than a moment of learning and growth?

The issue of instant gratification.
A significant difference in how our society functions now in comparison to 30 or 40 years ago is how quickly our needs are met. The internet, smart phones, fast food, online shopping, Amazon Prime, etc. have made it easier than ever to have anything we need at our fingertips right when we need it whether it is food, information, entertainment, or supplies. We’ve virtually eliminated the necessity of waiting which has decreased children’s ability to think through situations, consider alternatives, and manage their emotions. In turn it has increased impulsivity and the expectation that anything we need will come to us immediately, and potentially without effort.

Distracted from difficulty. 
Closely related to the issue of instant gratification is how much we distract ourselves from things that are boring, uncomfortable, or hard. We even take our cell phones to the bathroom with us as if 5 minutes doing what our bodies are designed to do can’t be given our undivided attention. Beyond the bathroom, we see this as children playing on tablets waiting for their food, watching TV while we get our teeth cleaned. I’ve even seen TVs at gas pumps and in elevators. This habit has weakened our ability to do hard things, to have the attention span for being uncomfortable, resulting in the tendency to give up and lowering our confidence to continue working at it.

Are you modeling perseverance? 
When you find that your child or the children in your life are giving up easily, consider what they are observing in the adults around them. Where are your gaps in confidence and what do you do when something is hard or doesn’t go your way? Are you modeling making multiple attempts, managing your emotions, and continuing your efforts until you’re successful? Consider narrating encounters with difficulty, articulating your brainstorming process, verbalizing feelings as you problem solve, and reflecting on successes. Children learn best by watching adults so if we change our behavior first, they are more likely to change theirs.

In my personal experience as a parent, it is often difficult to modify our behaviors. It can be hard to remember what our long term goals are and persist continually to achieving them. In the face of this challenge, I know I’m going to struggle, but I will continue to work at it and constantly remind myself: “act as if you can”.