Neither of Us are Wrong

A Lesson In Perspective-Taking from a 6-year-old

One morning, I was standing in a stationary spot in my kitchen making my lunch. My (then) 6 yo was playing hockey through the kitchen (as one does at 6:15am) and repeatedly hit my feet with the hockey puck. He finally said “Mom, why do you keep stopping the puck?!” and I replied, “Do you mean, why do you keep hitting it directly at the exact spot I happen to be standing?!” He tilted his head to the side and said, “well… neither of us are wrong.”

What he said is true. It’s just a matter of perspective. But if neither of us are wrong, are we both right?

We are confronted with this daily. We often get stuck on our own perspective with a steadfast belief that we are right. This is often tied to a fallacious assumption that if we are right, the other person is therefore wrong. But the other person often has this same attitude – about their own perspective being right and ours being therefore wrong! The reality is that both perspectives are “right” because they belong to the person viewing them. But it’s an interpretation based on a limited perspective. It’s not ultimate truth. And ultimate truth doesn’t really matter because both people are emotionally connected and attached to their unique perspective. This is where we can get stuck and our brains desire to be right can prevent us from moving forward. 

So what can we do to get unstuck?

First, recognize that our perspective is just that – ours. Which means no one else shares it exactly nor processes any moment through the same lens of prior experiences. Which means we have to be really careful about assuming other people might know how we feel or interpret situations.

Second, do our best to articulate our unique perspective without accusations or exaggeration. This might mean reining in our emotions and identifying the key things we want to communicate. Give our counterpart the best possible chance to understand our experience. And front trust that they really care to know how we feel and understand our perspective. 

Third, invite the other person to articulate their perspective – and do our best to listen without trying to apply our perspective to theirs. This requires that we suspend what we think we know about a situation and make space for ideas, details, and observations that we didn’t experience. More often than not, internalizing another person’s perspective can soften our attachment to our own. 

Fourth, revisit our perspective after hearing theirs – has it shifted with any new information? How might we now be able to empathize with their experience? What space can we make for both perspectives? 

At the very least, before we get too stuck on our perspective being “right”, we can remember the wise declaration of my 6yo: neither of us are wrong. Starting there might help us see that we are indeed not being hit by what’s coming at us, we may be merely in the way and stopping the forward momentum of what’s happening around us.